Too Much

Oh, high school, you crazy, crazy diamond.

So, it’s been a really long time since I’ve done one of these posts. And I can make tons of excuses—book stuff, holiday stuff, constant travel—and they are even legitimate excuses (insofar as excuses are ever legitimate), because all those things actually happened.

If I’m being honest though, those are not the reason I haven’t trotted out teenage-Brenna in awhile. The truth is that I’m just moving very slowly now. The reason for this is that by November of senior year, the eighteen year old version of me has become a creature who thinks waaaaay too much.

Now, I just want to clarify—this concept is something I really, really hate. People have been telling me I think too much for basically my whole life. It’s reductive, it’s patronizing, and when you get right down to it, pretty much nonsensical.

However. In light of what I’m going to discuss next, I’m forced to admit that even though I hate saying so, it is actually possible to think too much. For instance, if you are thinking a lot and also doing approximately nothing. So, in sum: Less thinking! More doing!

I’m still avoiding the actual high school story, though. The real reason I’m being avoidant is that senior year is the year that is hard to break into neat and cohesive chunks of narrative. This is because teenage-me is finally faced with all the messy complicated things that she has previously only been a spectator for.

More and more, I’m forced to grapple with the new and troubling understanding that I am In the World. It’s okay if you laugh at that realization—grown-up me laughs at it all the time. And by in the world, I mean knowing that I’m THERE. With real live people who exist outside my brain and have real live feelings and experiences and problems that are too complicated for me to truly understand. And I don’t know what to do about any of it. And so, in an act of feeble desperation, I revert to the opposite of doing something about it. Which, for those playing along at home, is … nothing.

Last Thursday, Delilah and I were coming back from Diamond Shamrock. We were walking through the parking lot, heading for one of the east doors, and we saw Rooster sitting on the curb, cradling his head in his hands. […]

Delilah touched my elbow. “Do you think we should go see what’s wrong?”

I shook my head.

“But it might be really bad.”

“We can’t do anything,” I said, and left it at that, because I couldn’t explain what I really meant.

[…] So we went inside and left him there. I haven’t seen him since.

When I picture him in my head, I only see good things about him, like those are the parts that get printed on your brain. That’s so weird. I mean, he was always vaguely kind to me in class but I never knew him. He had scars on his forehead and maybe some on his chin. What is that? A guy I barely knew, but I mostly think of him laughing, clapping #4 hard on the shoulder or elbowing him. I only remember him happy.

It was a lonely moment, and one that could have come straight out of a movie, all black asphalt and gray sky and the bright, effervescent taste of Poprocks. I couldn’t couldn’t quite tell if it was made worse because we were standing there, or better.

This creeping uncertainty will occupy my thoughts for a lot of reasons, and not just in the context of Rooster, but because the world is full of moments like this, and because Jane is in bad shape and I don’t know if my standing there can ever make it better.

Jane has an eating disorder. This is not exactly news. I mean, she’s had an eating disorder since before I met her, but now, in the fall of my senior year, it’s finally just blatantly obvious. And that’s the problem, because now that it’s undeniable, it’s not something I can just avoid thinking about anymore.

However, as a practiced rationalizer, I do my level best to keep the knowledge manageable.

#4 is important in this regard, because I use him a lot as a weird sort of emotional buffer, instead of just a pleasant crushy distraction. (Although, that too.) He seems to have just so many more feelings than I do, and I’m content (ish) to project all the ickiness of my own helplessness and uncertainty onto him. Every time he seems exhausted or overwhelmed, that’s one more time that I don’t have to be.

This morning, as I was walking to English, I heard voices I recognized even before I turned the corner.

The low, quiet one coughed a little and said, “No, I’m—I think I’m just going to leave after 1st. I’ll probably just see you later or something.”

The second voice was louder, but gentle in a way that’s hard to explain. A voice like a space-heater or a warm windowsill. “Hey, what’s up? Why’re you going to cut so early?”

When I came around the corner, Holden had #4 trapped against the wall by the drinking fountain.

#4 was shrugging a little. “I just—I really don’t feel good at all. There’s a test in history though. Important. So I’ll go to that. But after, I’m just gone, okay?” He started to cough hard and covered it up by leaning over the drinking fountain.

I was already past them by the time Holden said, “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah,” #4 muttered. “I’m fine. It’s just—I can’t take this shit much more, you know?” His voice was dull and I looked back over my shoulder.

And I’ve heard him say these things before, to Dweezil as they pass me and Little Sister Yovanoff at our locker, or to Odd on the way out to the parking lot. How tired he is, how everything about the world is too much. How he is fine.

They just nod and don’t answer. I’ve begun to wonder if, for boys, nodding is the same as when Delilah and I hold each other’s faces between our hands. If it is meant to comfort. From the outside, it doesn’t seem like quite enough.

Today though, when I looked back, Holden had his arm slung around #4’s shoulders. With his free hand, he was gesturing in wide sweeps.

He said, “Yeah, you can take it. Know why? ‘Cause you’re tough, that’s why.”

And of course #4 nodded, but right then, he didn’t look tough at all, just sick and pale and exhausted. I swear November is the worst month of the year.

To teenage me, the most fascinating part of this whole interaction is his use of the word just—this concerted effort to diminish the importance of his feelings. I feel like I’m waiting for something, always watching to see what will happen—if, when the weight of the world really is too much, he’ll implode or fracture. If his surface will crack and the too-muchness will all spill out and then, thanks to the laws of transitive denial, I will never have to deal with my own too-muchness ever again.

Also, even at the time, I understand just how dysfunctional this sort of narrative is, but I am all about balance, even totally dysfunctional balance based on magical thinking, and for every time this total stranger starts to feel like he can’t keep it together anymore, that’s one more instance I can.

Delilah is experiencing similar emotional lockstep, but hers is way more intimate and has completely different results. It’s like the worse Jane gets, the worse her own state becomes.

We never talk about any of the things that are wrong. Delilah has always acted like she doesn’t care about anything, but now, all the caring is coming out in huge, unpredictable storms, just all over the place. She’s been making a (bad, bad) habit of drinking in the bathrooms before first hour, and there’s this strange new voice inside me that feels a personal responsibility to her in a way that I’ve never, in my whole dispassionate little life felt responsible for anyone. (This is what’s known as “forming human relationships.”) And I want to fix her. I want to say, “You’re fifteen,” and I want to say, “Don’t you realize this is an awful, awful way to cope?” And I want to say, “Stop.”

But the words never quite form and instead, I buy her a cup of terrible hot-plate coffee from the cafeteria and take her home when she’s crying.

She says it’s not because of Jane, but I suspect that if we want to be honest about it, it has to be—at least a little. They don’t get along the way that Little Sister Yovanoff and I do, but they are bound together in this fierce, destructive way where they seem to feed off each other’s feelings, and the bad ones most of all. It’s weird to imagine being anchored to a person who brings out your very worst, but that’s the upshot of it. That’s them.

I know that I am supposed to do the right thing, the responsible thing. To tell someone, tell her aunt, her uncle, an administrator, tell a teacher. I know every maudlin plot-point of the problem-novel script. I’ve read books and magazines and watched TV. I’ve had health class. But all the presentations and the pamphlets are not lining up at all with real life.

In school assemblies and in class, we’re still constantly being presented with the fiction that things are under control and adults can come and solve our problems. The mythology is that someone else will know what to do, and now, when it comes to Delilah, this is demonstrably not the case.

The ugly truth is, there’s no one to tell because everyone already knows.

Delilah is always getting caught and nothing has ever changed. She spent all of summer break up at the reservoir, getting obliterated with the Bad Kids from her church. Once, she didn’t come home until almost five in the morning. She got grounded for a month and her aunt took away her Sublime CD.* She’s on notice. She has a substance abuse class and a counselor. She gets detention all the time.

Everything else just stays the same.

More and more, the weighing of things arrives in my head, a complicated monster. Sometimes people get caught doing something self-destructive and then everything turns around. They are magically helped by people who love them. Delilah’s aunt has caught her drinking. Nothing happened. I don’t know what would be optimal or right. I keep thinking about all the ways this drama could play out, the inciting incident, the consequences. In health class and in Critical Skills, they were always talking about consequences. I can imagine the screenplay, but can see no way that the conflict is resolved in real life. Mostly, I can’t imagine a way in which the situation would be helped by her getting suspended from school.

The problem with these high school posts is, I feel a little bit (a lot) like I should be setting a good example. The problem is, I’m talking about a very different version of me, and eighteen-year-olds—even the most measured, pragmatic, thinky ones—are not really very good examples of how to deal with problems.

Grown-up me is speaking with the advantage of experience, not to mention a lot more confidence in my own ability to judge a situation. Grown-up me is full of ideas. But the thing is, at eighteen, I am logical and independent, but not an adult—not really. Not even close.

Grown-up me says (imagine her voice sounds very reasonable) Well, there are LOTS of things left to do. Talk to a specific teacher. Sure, Delilah hates all of hers, but you don’t hate yours. Or talk to Shar in the scheduling office—she loves you in a sincere, straightforward way that you will not understand until you’re older, but trust me. If you ask her for advice or ideas, she’ll come through. Or, if all of that sounds blatantly impossible, just skip the adults and start with Delilah. She listens to you. See if you can help her think up ways to deal with the feelings at the source, rather than defaulting straight to burying them. Talk to Cobalt and see if you can convince her that her new job is to flatly refuse to day-drink with Delilah in the baseball dugout. Anything, just say anything.

But feelings are uncomfortable and the situation is messy and the Brenna in this story is 18 and distinctly not an adult. She takes a deep breath. She treats the immediate situation not as a crisis to be averted, but more like a controlled slide.

Some of this self-doubt and paralysis has arisen straight from the situation, but another huge contributing factor is that at 18, I’ve spent so much time thinking that the reason I’m so unsure of everything is because I was homeschooled, because I’m alien or weird or a late bloomer or just disconnected. I think this, and then make up reasons not to trust my own judgment, like I am somehow eight or nine steps behind. When really, no one else has any idea either.

Because it’s not just me—I am not the only person who doesn’t know what to do. And I’m living in a world where Rooster sits alone on the curb with his head in his hands and doesn’t know we’re watching, and #4 tries helplessly to explain to Holden the weight of every painful, bad thing, and where Delilah tries to act like she isn’t crying when she actually is and so we both pretend that when I hug her, she’s not leaving wet spots on the shoulder of my coat.

We are none of us inhabiting the space of anyone else. But the saving grace—the part that matters—is that Holden has his arm around #4 and Delilah still wants to help Rooster, and she doesn’t even know him. The part that matters is that we are still standing next to each other.

*****

I’m going to lecture you right now. I promise that it will be short, and it won’t become like a normal installment, but I want to tell you several things. First, I am not in any way an official resource for help with depression or disordered eating or substance abuse, but those resources exist, and there are links and phone numbers right here.

No, what I want to say is far less concrete, and it is this. The thing with turning into a grown-up (and not the kind I’ve talked about before, where you have a job and car and start being in charge of buying your own clothes—I mean the real kind), is that you eventually hit a place where you have to start making the kind of hard, important choices that no one else can make for you.

And that’s okay. Really. You have my permission to make grown-up decisions.

Yes, I realize that my telling you that is totally backwards and kind of counterproductive. But sometimes I think it helps just to hear it.

So you—yes, YOU. You have my express permission to be in charge and take initiative and use your own very best judgment.

Just as long as it involves doing something and not nothing.

I trust you.

*Here is me dating myself.

4 thoughts on “Too Much

  1. I am so happy to see the return of the HS posts. :)

    That being said, this experience is emotionally similar to everything happening to my friends and I now, in our senior year of high school. It’s so hard to describe, but we’re all clinging to childhood with every bit of our hands while our feet are running toward college. We all want to go so badly. But none of us want to leave each other because we’re such a support system.

    We don’t want to do our work because it doesn’t matter, we don’t want to go to school because we do nothing, we want to do something but we have no idea what to do or how to do it.

    We are, in short, stuck. We’re all coping in different ways: obsessing about homework, A’s love life, TV, tumblr, books, forcing everyone else to talk through their problems in the hope that someone will force you to talk about yours…

    We talk about our problems, and try to work on them, but there is only so much we can do.

    Everyone tells us that we need to start acting like adults, but then we step over the line and make a Decision and get lambasted for it. We will be in charge of our own lives from now on out. Our parents cannot have control. And sometimes that’s nice, and sometimes that’s really scary. But it’s happening, come what may, and we must learn to think and speak for ourselves.

    • we want to do something but we have no idea what to do or how to do it.

      This—I think this was my actual thesis statement when I started writing the post. Because the thing is, I don’t know a single person who hasn’t struggled with this same troubling push and pull during the course of growing up. No matter how carefully you navigate the world, there doesn’t seem to be a perfectly smooth transition. At least, not inside, where the experience is intangible, but still incredibly real.

      Everyone tells us that we need to start acting like adults, but then we step over the line and make a Decision and get lambasted for it.

      One of the big problems, I think, is that leaving adolescence means getting to the place where people want you to start making decisions, but because they’re still used to doing whatever they can to protect you, they want you to make they decisions that they would make for you. This is where I think college is awesome, because you get to be fully in charge of yourself, but most of the risk-taking and the deciding still happens in a controlled environment. And yeah, it can be confusing and strange and stressful, but it’s mostly just … man, it’s a really good time.

  2. Heh, I’m pretty sure both my parent(s) and everyone else’s that I knew became convinced, at some point during our school years, that if they could just take away the right possession, their children would be fixed. And also, parenthetically, that if they took away the right possession, there would be no need to figure out what was wrong in the first place.
    I think I was lucky because my mother pretty much got over taking my things by the time middle school ended (she took my gameboy, my Breyer horses, my books, but always ended up having to give them back). She only ever really did it to get a rise out of me, I think- I was a mostly unemotional, calm child, which backfired in that punishing me was unsatisfactory because I rarely had much reaction. (Looking back, I could have at least pretended to care when I was grounded or banned from social activities- it would have made everything easier.) But I know she continued to go through my things long after she stopped taking them (this is how I finally learned the first rule of adolescence, which is to never keep a physical diary under any circumstances).
    However, I knew teenagers whose parents lived to take away their stuff. They’d take CDs, clothes, artwork, journals, jewelry, computers, phones, you name it. Then they’d go back to ignoring their kids, because they somehow thought that this stuff was the problem rather than a symptom. “If I just take away the NIN CD, my child will stop being depressed. If I just take away these clothes, she will go to class.” Right.
    …not to mention, at least in my social circles, a standing gifts/loans/exchanges plan meant nobody had to go too long without something they actually wanted.
    I remember I had this one friend who believed strongly in keeping a physical journal, so she kept two- one that was basically labeled “Top Secret- Keep Out”, with a fancy cover and a lock and what have you. She kept it in her mattress, because she knew her parents were finding it and reading it at least weekly- it would mysteriously move, and eventually the lock turned up broken. She kept her real diary with her school stuff, in an unmarked notebook that was copied science notes for the first twenty pages. I really admired her initiative.

    • if they could just take away the right possession, their children would be fixed

      This tactic always fascinated (and appalled) me SO MUCH! My parents never actually did anything even resembling possession-theft, so when I started school, it was like this amazing, shocking thing—almost like magical thinking. If I take away the obscenity talisman, everyone’s language will improve and no one will have sex, ever!

      The diary thing, though—the diary thing! That’s upsetting to the point of making my skin crawl, because … privacy. Privacy was like this priceless commodity in my teenage life. It was like the gold of my emotional economy! So naturally I love this decoy diary strategy, but wow.

      (Also, as a calm, unemotional child, I am now retroactively grateful to my parents for not every trying to force a response from me!)

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