In Which I Answer All Your Questions

Actually, these are mostly not your questions, since for the vast majority of people reading this right now, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that you probably came here on purpose. (And also, if you wanted to know something I hadn’t said already, you’d probably just ask me.)

So, a cool thing about WordPress is that the site-stats feature lets you see a list of all the search terms and combinations that brought visitors to your site. (Don’t worry, I have absolutely no idea who visited the blog or searched for which various weird things, or even what geographical region the queries came from, so this is purely an exploration of the vagaries of the internet.)

Anyway, because I think the feature is just pretty awesome and because some of the searches are frankly hilarious, I’m going to do my best to address the concerns of the people.

In an attempt to prove that I am sometimes mildly responsible, the first questions I’m going to answer are the actual Brenna-themed ones that aren’t addressed in my FAQ.

Starting with a very popular one:

how old is brenna yovanoff
brenna yovanoff born
how old is brenna yovanoff ?
brenna yovanoff birthdate
when was brenna yovanoff born
brenna yovanoff date of birth

Okay, so yes. I know why this is even an issue. It’s because I’m very short, and when I talk, I sound basically like I am five. But I’m not five.

I am actually thirty-two, and I’m telling you this now for the sake of posterity, because I don’t think it does anyone any good to go around assuming that I’m some stray child who has catapulted into the professional sphere, when really, I’m just marginally childlike.

And in related searches:

where is brenna yovanoff from
where was brenna yovanoff born
is brenna yovanoff russian

So the most basic answer to this is that I’m from the United States of America. I was born in California and then my family moved to Arkansas, and after that, Colorado. However, if you’re wondering about my last name or my cultural heritage, my dad is half-Macedonian, which is why I have a pretty prominent bump on my nose. (Well, also because I’ve been hit in the face a lot by various pieces of sporting equipment. But it was always there—it’s just gotten more noticeable. By which I mean broken.)

is brenna yovanoff writing anymore books
is brenna yovanoff working on book 3?
brenna yovanoff new book
new book for brenna yovanoff

A good rule of thumb for this one is to just assume that the answer is always YES. However, the more specific answer to this question is, I’m currently working on Paper Valentine, which is scheduled to come out next February and you can read more about it here.

who is brenna yovanoff married to

Aw, you guys are a bunch of romantics! I’m married to this guy. Also, I’m not telling you his name.

brenna yovannof secret crush

While I suspect that most people were just trying to go to this post, there’s a small possibility that some of you are in fact trying to determine if real, live, grown-up me has a secret crush. In which case, I can’t tell you, because then it wouldn’t be a secret. However, I can tell you that in a dignified, mature, and purely rational capacity … I am an avid fan of both Ryan Gosling and Joseph Gordon Levitt. And that is all I’m saying on the subject.

brenna yovanoff bug phobia

Ooh, ooh—you’re talking about the centipede story! And yes, I totally have a bug phobia. But only centipedes. Because they are the devil.

Okay, I think that takes care of the more unusual cases where people still actually showed up to my blog on purpose. Now, I present to you The Random Searches—the ones that have nothing to do with me, but which somehow dependably bring visitors to my website anyway, starting with what has turned out to be far and away my most popular piece of content to date.

If I can take anything from the following data, it’s that I should bake surgery-themed desserts more often, because The Red Velvet Cardiac Event has been the conduit to just a huge amount of accidental site traffic. Like, pretty much unprecedented. It turned out to be such a long list that I had to pare it down significantly, but you get the idea.

halloween baking
cardiac cake
red velvet anatomical heart cake
creepy cake
dissected heart on table
cupcakes jumbo red hearts
cardiology fun cakes
how to make a human heart cake
cake pattern of side of fetal pig
kidney cupcake designs
red velvet cake halloween
halloween gross cakes red velvet
human heart cupcakes
how to make a cake look like a human heart

So, all you people out there looking for disgusting cakes? My blog is the place to come.

And then there’s this little anomaly—an interesting and oddly-recurring search that’s spawned a number of variations, like so:

i like my coffee black just like my metal
i like my metal like my coffee
coffee just like metal black
what movie says ‎”i like my coffee black, just like my metal-”
i like my coffee just like my metal
i do in fact like my coffee black just like my metal

Here, I will help you.

(Also, the song at the other end of that link has the F-word in it. I’m warning you because I am conscientious.)

Now, as anyone who’s ever kicked around the internet will know, people get up to some pretty strange antics in the name of making whoopie. I know this. And yet, I keep being completely taken aback by just how bizarrely specific these fascinations can be. And since I wrecked my knee and then talked about it, I’ve been attracting a certain … bizarrely specific element. Again, for the sake of brevity (and general decency) this is a heavily abridged sampling:

girl with a leg brace
one legged girl on crutches
girls in leg braces
crutches sex
women with legbrace
teenage girls legbrace
pictures of one legged hot chick on crutches

And now that you are vaguely unsettled and possibly need to rinse out your brains, watch while I turn my oracular powers to some of the strange, compelling questions that only ever come up once in awhile. By which I mean once ever.

tess and spank

To which I reply: No.

guess what day it is

Tuesday?

does marilyn manson has six toes on his one foot ?

While I have not personally had the opportunity to count Marilyn Manson’s toes, I feel pretty comfortable supposing that he probably has an average number.

open up secret crush to girlfriend

Don’t do that. Well, maybe if you guys have been together awhile and have rock-solid communication and she’s really secure, and your crush is on a celebrity who you will never, ever encounter in real life. Maybe then, but if you are sixteen and filled with hormones and crushing on your lab partner like I think you are, I would avoid it. Avoid avoid avoid.

can a high school girl be platonic friends with a high school boy

Yes, with a caveat. In the event that the friendship starts out non-platonic (as they sometimes do), I think it’s easier for girls to become platonic friends with boys they’ve previously been romantically interested in than it is when the situation is reversed. This is not based on fact or science, but only personal experience. However, boys are also perfectly capable of transitioning from wanting to make out to simply enjoying a girl’s company. So yes, it is totally, totally possible to be platonic friends with someone of the opposite sex. Even in high school.

Relatedly:

got this platonic friend who told his girlfriend not to park in a certain parking because its mine i never told him that was quite surprised about it now his girlfriend doesnt like me very much

This might be a good opportunity to talk to your platonic friend about consideration and thoughtfulness and what constitutes a reasonable boundary, and also to establish that he is not the boss of the parking spaces.

really don’t want to go back to varsity this year

Believe me, I know the feeling. While I’m certainly not familiar with your specific situation, my general position is that as long as you’re not actively damaging your body by overtraining and no one is treating you in ways that are abusive or demeaning, you should consider staying. It’s only for a couple more seasons at most, and in the long run, even though the day-to-day can be kind of grueling, in my own experience, it’s still worth it.

i found worms in my pop tart wrapper

That is not good. While sheer probability says that you’ve probably encountered one of the many varieties of worms that are okay to eat, I wouldn’t blame you if you decided to just avoid Pop Tarts for awhile.

Plus a few miscellaneous searches that have no real bearing on anything and yet are awesome:

neurotic inner monologue
creepy victorian babies
dreams with threats and hysterical laughter

I think I love you.

And now, at the risk of sounding slightly megalomaniacal, I’ll leave you with a small sampling of my favorite Brenna-specific searches.

brenna yovanoff interesting
the brenna yovanoff
Бренна йованофф
brenna yovanoff!

22 thoughts on “In Which I Answer All Your Questions

  1. Ha ha ha ha! (takes breath) Ha ha ha ha! (Also, you do realize that you will now rank even higher for the terms you included in this post? Including the crutches ones!)

      • LOL Cryptic comment was cryptic. I was actually thinking of a story you told me once about a specific event some of your high school guy friends had on Tuesdays. (I think it was Tuesdays?) but I didn’t want to be all graphic about it. My bad.

        Also, crutchsex. Ew.

        • Oh. My God. Yes! I knew I’d told you something about Tuesdays and then assumed it must have been something my sister and I made up at some point and then forgotten about. No, you were right, it was definitely Tuesdays ;)

  2. HEE-larious. All of it. But especially “the brenna yovanoff” and “i found worms in my pop tart wrapper.” I just read some of these aloud to my spouse and he laughed delightedly at their randomness. So glad you’re back in bloggy land more regularly. :)

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